Free Relationship Advice for Men and Women

Check out these free love eCards

2006-05-04T20:47:00.000-07:00

Hey all!

It has been a while since I posted and I will tell you why: I have been working SO hard on making my new page for free love ecards. Now, I am not a major web mistress so it isn't perfect or the best, but I had so much fun making it! Send one to your lover or your best friend. They are completely free and there is not even a sign up. All you have to do is a pick a card and send it! Check it out and tell me what you think...I think they are pretty cool!

Stop the Instant Blog Message Crap

2005-12-01T19:05:00.000-08:00

What is up with these spam messages on my blog? Check out my posting from two postings ago...it is filled with rediculous auto responder crap! Who does this stuff? Okay, if your business is that desperate for hits, you will probably fail. And if you are spamming people's boards with crap they really don't care about, your business sucks. lol I am going to leave my messages still open for people to use just so you can see the idiots that post.

In Love With a Gay Man

2005-12-01T18:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I fell in love with a guy. But he says he's gay and he has a boyfriend. Even though he says he's gay I don't think he actually is. He is tall, has a lot of muscles, and has a really manly voice. I think that he only thinks he's gay because he told me that on his first day of high school some kids were making fun of him and called him homosexual. But I think that he might kinda like me too because I've already caught him looking at me then he suddenly turned around and pretended he wasn't looking. What should I do? How do you think I could attract his attention?

Sincerely,

The Other Team,
Fort Walton Beach, Florida

Dear Other Team,

First of all, you are not in love. You have an intense crush. That is not love. Love is when you have a deep emotional connection with someone and the feeling is reciprocated. I always tell people that you can not actually love someone unless they love you back. At least, the love is not as full as it could and should be. You can't really attach a definite label or description to love. But still, when you have a deep lustful attraction to someone you just met, you can hardly call that love. I would call it LUST. One of my favorite words.

Let's move on to important point number two. This man did not tell you he was homosexual because he only “thinks” he might be. He also did not tell you he was gay in hopes that you would chase him. When a man tells you he is gay, it is because of two possible reasons. 1) Because he really wants to get rid of you. This would be classified as a severely desperate attempt to get rid of a highly annoying individual. If you have the faintest notion that a man might be telling you he is gay when he really is not, you should back off. He just went to the farthest reaches of desperation and in an truly brave attempt where losing his manliness is concerned, he told you he was gay just to get rid of you. You can consider this worse than a “kiss off” letter. 2) Unbelievably, he is actually gay. And just so you know, the easiest conclusion is usually the correct one.

So now you actually think he might be attracted to you even though he told you he was gay. You are hearing noise in the static, darling. Many women are attracting to men that they can't have. I remember this one girlfriend of mine who had a male suitor she didn't care for her. No matter how much he groveled over her, she would not give him the time of day. One day this gentlemen fell in love with another woman and began to have a serious and committed relationship with her. And that is when quite suddenly my girlfriend found him desirable. She commented to me, “He seems so much more confident. A guy just seems sexier when he already has a girlfriend”. She even went after him after that. This guy is so attractive to you because he presents a challenge. He seems unattainable and that can be a turn on.

You really need to realize that this man IS unattainable. He is gay and there is nothing you can do to change this. The one thing you can do is show him respect. Respect this individual by supporting his lifestyle and how he wants to live. Trying to change the person he is would be considered disrespectful. Be his friend and companion. He is gay and there is nothing wrong with this but by trying to change him you are telling him that his lifestyle is wrong. Girl, that will only cause him to dislike you and I wouldn't blame him!

If you really need a visual to understand things better, put yourself in his shoes. Imagine a new girlfriend in your life who thinks you are hot and wants to convert you to lesbianism. You might be flattered, but an extensive chase would only eventually tick you off.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Romantic Vacations

2005-10-17T08:59:00.000-07:00

If you have entered into what could be a serious relationship, then at some point in time the two of you should escape into a private romantic vacation. A retreat for just the two of you. When your relationship begins to fuse into a single life force and your entire world suddenly begins to revolve around each other, things can sometimes start to get routine or dull. The excitement might be starting to fade, although the love is just as strong as it ever was, and life is getting back to its boring old self. This is especially true once you move in together. You get up, go to work, go to the gym, do errands, clean the house and go to bed. You cuddle up and watch the same television shows together, make plans with the same friends on the weekends and go to the same restaurants for dinner out. There is absolutely nothing wrong with becoming comfortable with your lover. Life can't always be a daytime soap opera. But opting to take a romantic vacation together can turn out to be an indelible time together you will never forget.

There are many types of vacations you and your lover can take. Choosing the one that is right for you makes all the difference. Many people say that a vacation with your loved one is actually one of the more stressful times you can have where you relationship is concerned. This is actually very true; but it doesn't have to be. If you pick the wrong type of vacation, you could potentially be at each other's throats and ready to kill by the end of the week.

There are two main types of vacations a couple can take: A romantic vacation or a sight-seeing vacation. But what is the difference? The two categories I have chosen are very generalized but there is a major difference. With a romantic vacation the two of you will get plenty of relaxation, rejuvenation, pampering, lounging and easy time to spend together. On a sight seeing adventure you and your lover will be on the go-go-go. You won't stay in one place for too long, you will be constantly planning the next place to go and the next sight to see and you will be busy navigating and trying to communicate with the locals if you are in a different country. You might have a wonderful time, but the stress is going to build and build.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a wonderful sight-seeing tour with your lover, especially if traveling is your passion. But if you are looking specifically for a romantic vacation, then you might want to rethink the European tour. A vacation for two in Europe, for example, might sound wonderful and even romantic. The problem is that you are going to want to see as many sights and countries as you can in your short time. The majority of your time will be spent on the road or train, in banks exchanging currency, looking at maps and trying to find somewhere to eat and even find a bathroom. Pretty soon you will find yourself quarreling about which place to go next and because you spend so much time side by side together, you might get a tad bit annoyed with each other. This is normal, but not very romantic.

If you want to escape into a romance filled and lascivious vacation, then what you want is to go to one place for the weekend or for the whole week. A resort will have the best effect. Whether it is a resort in the snowy Alpine peaks or a resort on the sandy white beaches of the Carribbean, love and romance will be the number one priority. There will be nothing to worry about. Drinks are brought to your lounge chair and meals are paid for. You can take turns deciding what to do for the day, but for the most part you both know you are going to get plenty of lounging, napping and love making into the day. There is nothing to cause you any great stress and the two of you should be all smiles for the entire vacation. A romantic vacation is a peaceful vacation.

You should also take into consideration a few tips to make your amorous vacation just perfect. First, leave your work at home. Don't try and use your cell phone to make business calls and leave your briefcase and laptop where it belongs: at the office. If you get caught thinking about business, your lover might be less than thrilled; he or she might even be downright insulted. Also, make sure everyone in your office knows not to call you, don't even give them the name of your resort. Second, try not to worry about what is going on back home. Let your worries and anxieties slip away into oblivion. You are on vacation, try and realize this. Some people have a difficult time letting themselves wind down. Third, make a decent effort to be loving to your partner. You are not the only one on vacation, you partner also deserves this break. Make unexpected and loving gestures in the name of love and romance. Buy your sweetheart something to remember the vacation with, give him or a her a back rub on the beach, buy a bunch of flowers from a vendor on the street or think of a special way to say, “I love you”. If you give a little, you will get a lot in return. It will make your vacation the most romantic getaway you have ever had.

Secret Love Spells

2005-10-17T08:52:00.000-07:00

You have to check this site out! Super strong love spells, hundreds of them! This site is amazing! There are so many spells for any kind of love situation. There are spells to help you find a new love, spells to help you find your sould mate, spells to help attract a particular person and even spells to help get your lost lover back into your arms! You will love Red Magick Love Spells! This is the greatest collection of love spells on the bet today!

Ex girlfriend

2005-07-24T00:41:00.000-07:00

Ex girlfriend: do you want to get back together with that ex? Learn how to get your ex back at www.advicediva.com and let the Diva show you the way!

I Want My Girlfriend Back

2005-07-24T00:36:00.000-07:00

I want my girlfriend back: Did you and your girlfriend break up? Learn how to get your ex back at www.advicediva.com Learn from the Diva!

He dumped me

2005-07-24T00:31:00.000-07:00

He dumped me: Did your special guy dump you? Find out the reasons why and learn how to win that special love back at www.advicediva.com
Let the Diva show you how!

I want him back

2005-07-24T00:27:00.000-07:00

I want him back: Are you looking for ways to get that man back into your life? Learn how to get your ex back at www.advicediva.com Let the Diva show you how!

How To Get My Boyfriend Back

2005-07-24T00:23:00.000-07:00

How to get my boyfriend back: Learn how to get your boyfriend back at www.advicediva.com
Learn from the Diva!

How To Find My Long Lost Old Flame

2005-07-19T18:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

My last real relationship was 5 years ago. Since then I have always carried a torch for this one that I foolishly let get away five years ago. Would it be insane to hire a P.I. to find out if she is single and to see if it would be possible for us to start dating again? I really want to find out if she is to be the one for me. I am confused about why I am suddenly feeling so strong for her and why I desperately want to find her.

Sincerely,

Living in the Past

Dear Living in the Past,

I am happy to tell you that what you are experiencing is quite normal. Many of us wonder and contemplate what our past loves are up to these days. Everyone is bound to make some strong connections with a few people during their lives. After a few or even many years of separation from one of those special individuals, our interest can be peaked. We start to think of that person in a good light and we wonder what they could be doing after all these years, where they are now and how they are. This is completely normal. Everyone is bound to wonder about it.

It is also very normal for you to miss that person. There could be a number of reasons why. Sometimes a relationship with someone is just not right at the time. You may have been too young or just getting your life going and didn't have time for a committed relationship. Suddenly, when you feel like you have more to give and you are ready for a committed relationship, you look back and find that one special person. You wish you could reach back in time and pull her towards today now that you have become ready. In this case, she might have moved on by now. It has been a while. She might have found someone who was ready for a relationship when she was. If that is the case, you need to move on. There is no sense in trying to break up a happy relationship just because you are ready now. You should find someone on your own level who is single, which you will.

Sometimes it takes hurt and emotional pain to recognize the beauty of a long lost love. Some people break it off with an old flame and move on, not realizing how great the relationship was and taking it for granted. After a while, that person could get terribly hurt themselves in another relationship. This is a boomerang effect. When this happens, you are so hurt that you want to crawl back into those loving arms of the person you know would never hurt you like you have just been hurt. Sometimes it is this very pain which causes a person to mature. They see how they, themselves, have hurt others in the past by experiencing the same pain. Without warning, that person knows just what a committed relationship is and they are ready for one.

For whatever the reason, there is no harm done simply looking for an ex. I don't think I would go to the extreme of hiring a Private Investigator. That would be ludicrously expensive and a little bit overboard. If I were you, I would find an online website dedicated to finding old acquaintances like www.peoplefinders.com For only $10, you would probably be able to find her.

If you are able to locate this woman, don't start obsessing and do not stalk. Call her up, send her a letter or simply show up. Tell her straight out that you were looking around for her and that you "heard" about where she was. Don't let her know that you were researching her, that might come across as being a tad bit too desperate. Don't follow her around to see if she is dating someone either. This is just plain creepy. Be up front with her, you will feel better about it. You can find out quickly if she is single or not by asking her out for some coffee to catch up. If she is seeing someone she will hesitate and then tell you about him (unless she is not that into him). If she is single she will happily accept your offer. Catching up is fun, especially for women! We love to talk about ourselves.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

His Cousin is Hot

2005-03-22T19:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I recently moved in with my boyfriend. After doing so, I see his cousin all of the time. To make things worse, I like his cousin alot and he likes me. I want to know what you think because I want to be with the cousin but I dont want to break the family up.

Sincerely,

Keeping it in the Family

Dear Keeping it in the Family,

First of all, you should move out because you are not in love with your boyfriend. If you were, you would not be getting all wet over his cousin. That just isn't right. It is too incestuous. Second, don't even think about getting with his cousin. That will be a disaster in the making. Even if you did hook up with him you will have more probelms than you could ever begin to imagine. There will be a rift in his family, anger between cousins, resentment and you will forever be the girlfriend who slept with his cousin. Nothing good will come of it. Never get between guys that are close, take my word for it. Besides, this is just too "Jerry Springer".

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Hot for my Boss

2005-03-10T19:17:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I started to work for a small company late last year. The girl was training me for my position became my close friend. My supervisor was so nice to me making sure I was okay and asking how the was job going. Three weeks into the job my supervisor and I became really close. We made each other laugh. One day when I was leaving for the weekend my supervisor walked me to my car and asked me to call him. I called him we hung out at a hotel. We talked and kissed and that's it. The next day I went to work and told my good friend at work about what happened. She went around and told every one we are having an affair. My supervisor did not speak to me for a month. It's been 5 months now and we only talk about business. Meanwhile my friend flirts with him all the time. I want him back but every time I try to tell him I miss him I can't get the words right. My supervisor is married. Although he said he never did anything like this before, he flirts with all the girls in front of me. And now I get nothing.

Sincerely,

Working Girl,

Dear Working Girl,

Change jobs. This guy is the typical martini drinking business manager who loves to slap asses and chase the girls around the office. He uses his power in the office to get what he wants....sex a la carte. He probably does all the hiring too. Take a look around your office. Are most of the employees of the young and hot female variety? I would assume so. All this guy wants to do is screw around with the hired help with no strings attached. Men in power easily influence their younger female subjects because the sense of power can be intoxicating and alluring. Women easily fall victim to the sex appeal of a man in control. He is the alpha male. He is the one that draws your attention. But this jerk is using his position to take advantage of you and all the other girls.

Now, I am not one to judge about the guy you pick as your lover. I too fell victim to an office romance or two. I also fell hard for a boss. Ahh, sweet memories. The private meetings, sex on the board room table.....you name it. It was fabulous! Fortunately, I never pick a guy I think is going to use me. My boss was a gracious, sweet, loving and sincere gentlemen. And he was single and available. It was definitely his power and the fact that he was my boss which attracted me to him. It was such a powerful attraction. For a month or two all I could think about was him. I couldn't focus on the job, I couldn't work. I even broke down a couple of times and confessed my strong desires and lust to a few of his friends asking what to do. It was the strongest desire for a man I had ever experienced. It was the "boss" thing. Inevitably, it happened. I flirted and one thing led to another. It did not last but I never regretted it. It was a wonderful experience.

Your boss is married and he has no respect for you. As soon as someone found out, he freaked out and stopped talking to you. He doesn't want to get caught, ever. He only wants to screw around completely free of charge. And now he flirts with other women in front of you. Girl, you have got to open your eyes and see the truth. He will NEVER have a relationship with you and he will NEVER respect you. Start looking for another job and when you have one put in your resignation. Make sure you get a great letter of recommendation from this slimeball boss of yours. You don't want to continue working with this freak.

And do you actually think he has never done this before? You are young and naive. He probably has a new “private” assistant each week. If he had truly never done this before, would he have met you out at a hotel? The concierge probably knows him by name.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

His Parents Hate Me

2005-03-04T20:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

My Fiance has recently called off our engagement. To my understanding it was done over an argument that had nothing to do with us. It was between his parents and I. His parents hurt me a great deal. It was hard to get over it, but I knew I eventually would have. I just needed time. There were some very harsh words exchanged from me, but I was really hurt. Our arguing over his parents lasted for two weeks, and then he just called off the wedding out of the blue. He actually did not call the engagement off to my face he did it over the phone, and I have not seen him or really talked to him since. I have tried, but he seems like he is done.

Sincerely,

Parent Problems,
Morehead, Kentucky

Dear Parent Problems,

You should never ever get in such arguments with your significant other's family. I have no idea what happened and it could be their fault or yours. No matter what the case, you need to avoid family drama such as this.

Even if his family acted like participants on the Jerry Springer show you should turn the other cheek and act like the bigger person. Having screaming matches will never result in anything good. Even if his parents are the most atrocious people in the world, they are still his parents and they will always be a part of his life. To be honest, I can sympathize with your man. My mother is very ill. She has a terrible disease called Multiple Sclerosis. The disease has devastated her body and her mind. Slowly she has reverted back to the mind and personality of a 7 year old little girl. She throws tantrums, tells incredible lies and loves to cause problems. Yet she is still my mother. I could understand if my man would be upset with her, but if he ever raised his voice to her I think I would dump him, no matter how much I loved him. I understand that my situation is different than yours because your pseudo-in laws are probably not mentally impaired, but the feelings remain the same. If you disrespect the family, you disrespect the individual.

The only way you are going to salvage this relationship is to show him how much you want to remain with him. The only thing that will show him this is if you resolve your differences with his family. It is time to bite your lip and apologize. And the next time they piss you off, just walk away. learn how to hold your head up high and not have the need to retaliate verbally.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Verbal Abuse

2005-02-27T16:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I just turned 40 and have been married to my current(2nd) wife for 4 yrs. I was previously married and have two children from my 1st marriage. My current wife & I have no kids together. We are currently separated due to her verbal abuse and total lack of intimacy. I have been through serious counseling and am doing good through all the depression. She has narsistic personality (really) and refuses to take ownership for her neglect and abuse. I am a very giving husband and she has taken advantage of that. she says she wants to work it out and she says I need to go to her counselor so she can feel she has control. do you think there is any hope? I have become very assertive with her & don't allow her to treat me like crap anymore. We have been separated for 6 months and she still is not showing me it's in her heart.

Sincerely,

Abused

Dear Abused,

I wonder how old your wife is. If she is the same age, it may be a little too late for her to change and hold a happy relationship. She might be too set in her ways. If she is significantly younger, she will learn. People mature in relationships and learning how to have a successful relationship is a never ending learning experience.

It sounds to me like you are fed up. You are sick and tired of her treatment and you are finally learning to stand up for yourself. Very good. I think you are already making significant strides to help yourself.

Listen, if she is still treating you in this manner, the only thing you are going to be able to do to wake her up is to file for that divorce and move on with her life. She wants your attention, she wants you to worship her, take blamefor everything and she wants that control. You are going to have to break her little circle of delusion. Let her know that you want to move on because you can no longer be treated like this. Do so in a matter of fact way with NO waivering. Do not act wishy washy or even hint that you don't want it to be this way. She will see it and be able to twist you into getting what she wants. I have dealt with the narcistic personality type. I know them well.

This will be like a slap in the face to her. It will be a real eye opener. If you act like you don't want anything to do with her anymore, she will be forced to re-evaluate her strategies and then she will most likely beg for your forgiveness after a while.

In the long run, I don't think you will be very happy in this relationship. Because even if you get back together and she manages to "change", her old habits wil resurface after a while and you will be back at square one. I know your heart is with her, but you deserve to be treated better.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

He Still Talks to his Ex

2005-02-17T17:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been dating this guy for seven months. He is absolutely wonderful, and we have the best times together. For some reason, I cannot fully trust him. He has an ex girlfriend who he was with for 7 years (he is now 25), and they do occasionally speak. When I bring her up, he says that they do catch up once in a while, and that she will always be special to him. When I ask if he ever thinks about getting back together with her, he says he doesnt know what the future holds, and that he doesnt know when, or if, that will ever happen.

During the first month we were dating, I discovered that he was text messaging her that he missed her. I know he hasnt seen her or anything, but I cant help wonder if anything will happen. or if they will get together and see each other.

Sincerely,

Worried and Jealous

Dear Worried,

This guy is not committed to you nor does he even consider himself in a committed relationship.

First of all, you already caught him text messaging his ex saying that he missed her. He was probably also telling her about you just to try and get her jealous. Now he admits to you that he still talks to her and he even says he is not sure what the future holds. He is trying to be semi-honest with you. What he really means is he does not see a future with you but he wishes he could still have one with her. Now, if this man was committed to you, he would be calming your fears, professing his undying love to you and telling you thaht his ex is a fat ugly bitch whom he would never speak to again. He would also be telling you that he can't wait to spend the rest of his life with YOU.

I think you should catch the subtle signs and move on. You are just a rebound for him, at least that is how he is treating you. Leave him and move on. That is the only way he will be able to realize what he will be losing. He needs to stop taking you for granted.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

He Doesn't Want Sex Anymore

2005-02-16T09:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been dating a wonderful man for 6 months. I'm very happy with all aspects of our relationship except for sex. Our first few weeks together were incredible but now I'm frustrated. My idea of sex is long languid sessions of exploring (like our first few weeks together) but his idea of sex is a five minute quickie in the morning when I 've barely woken up. I've talked to him about this but he seems unwilling to accommodate me. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Most likely the problem lies within pressure. That will instantly turn a guy off.

I am sure you know that when you first hook up with a new guy, the sex is usually explosive. It is that newness of being with a new person that makes things so exciting. With that new person you have sex a couple of times every day, christen every room in the house and maybe even have long high schoolish make out sessions in the car. Eventually, that explosive passion fades and you enter a new phase in your sexual relationship. You get used to each other and so the sex is not always as intense as it used to be. This does not mean that you do not have a sexual attraction with each other. This is completely normal. You can not expect to have intense passionate sex after being together for a while.

When a guy or girl does not try and indulge your sexual appetite, the usual reason is pressure. I think a lot of people will try and tell you that this person may have some fears associated with sex like diseases or pregnancy. But I disagree with this assumption. I think it is true for a few people, but not in a full blown relationship when the sex used to be good. I have done some research on the subject and most people who try and answer this question really come up with the most broad, basic and completely wrong assumptions. Ug.

When it comes to sex, there are a bunch of things that guys don't like, and it varies for all men. But truth be told, after a few months, they are not going to be interested in having these long explorative sexual sessions. Nope, not at all. I am sure there are a plenty of guys who would be interested in this long into the relationship. But for the most part, they become disinterested. The other problem is the pressure. You have told him this is what you wanted, and that creates pressure. It made him not want to do it even more. The more you bring it up, the worse he will feel about it and the more he will not want to do it. I would suggest to stop pressuring him on this topic. He wants to be the one in control and he feels like he is not. He would feel much better if he was able to initiate the sex you wanted on his own, by himself, in his own good time and without you bringing it up.

Finally, he may not want the type of sex you are craving, but he is a guy and there are some other types of sex he might crave. He probably does not want the long sessions in candlelight making love on the floor wrapped in blankets, but I bet he would love some whips and chains action. He is a guy, he likes to have dirty sex, and if you intiated THAT, he would love it. Wear some thigh highs and talk a little dirty. No man can resist.

I think this column definitely illustrates some difference between men and women.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

How Do I get Over Him?

2005-02-15T09:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I was just wondering how you can help me by forgetting my ex. I've been single ever since we broke up like about 6 months ago. I Would like to meet someone else but I guess my time hasn't come, and every time people talk about him and his new girlfriend it hurts me deep inside and my tears come out. I feel like running away somewhere far. I'm also having trouble at home. I'm 19 years old about to turn 20 in May. My mom doesn't seem to get the point that I have made my decision of not going to college. I'm about to graduate as a medical assistant but my mom says she will make me leave the house if I don't back to college. what should I do??.....I feel stressed out.....

Sincerely,

Two Questions

Dear Two Questions,

You poor dear, it sounds like you have had a lot on your mind lately.

First of all, the only thing that takes away this kind of pain is time....and a few beaux hunks. You need to start dating and have some fun with your girlfriends too. you can not just sit there in the darkness and cry over your ex. You need to take some action. Start dating and date a few guys. You will have fun with them and it will take your mind off of your ex. It helps, I promise. And someday soon, you will meet a new date who will sweep you off your feet. You suddenly will not even be able to remember your ex's name.

As far as you mom goes, just have a talk with her. Be adult about it. You already know that she will make you move out if you do not go back to college. Armed with this information, take her to a coffee shop or public place to have a little talk. She will not be able to scream at you or talk irrationally while in public. Talk about graduating as a medical assistant and act proud of yourself. Let your mom know that you are not going back to college right now and leave it open ended. As if there may be chance you will go back later. Then tell her that you will do your best to get a job and move out like she wants you to do. When you tackle the problem in such a logical manner as this, chances are your mom will see your maturity and will then try and help. The sudden realization of her baby leaving the nest may also sink in and she won't want you to go.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Can I Date?

2005-02-09T13:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I really am in a bind and going out of my mind. I am recently divorced following an 11 year marriage due to the fact that my ex-husband didn't want to have children. I ended up going out with one of his friends who in fact wanted to have a family. We were together for about 2 and a half years. I finally received my divorce in July/2004, we broke up on May 5/2004. I have been sick to my stomach not knowing what I can do. Now that I am finally divorced I am free to marry, etc. I want to contact him and ask him if he is seeing anyone, since I found out several months ago that he was dating someone from another city, but she was not of the same religion. Please advise me.

Sincerely,

Newly Divorced
Vestavia Hills, Alabama

Dear Newly Divorced,

What are you confused about? You are divorced and free to date. There is nothing to fear here and you do not have to call and get permission from your ex hubby to date. You heard he has been dating, so what is the problem? Why are you sick to your stomach? You can do whatever you want to do. You are completely single and care free.

You can date anyone you want. You can have a fling. You can become a serial dater. You can date as many people as you want at one time. You can have one night stands or the popular so called "hookups". You can date your local grocer, your mailman or that cute hunk from the gym. You can date online and indulge in chat rooms. You can have a relationship and get married. You can go to Vegas and get married today. You can do whatever floats your boat. You can even find a sperm donor and have children.

The choice is yours and the choices are limitless. Have fun and stop worrying. Just get out there and play. And my advice is to keep it to yourself. A divorce means COMPLETE separation. You have your own life to live now.

What I am wondering is why you have taken so long to figure this out. You have been divorced for almost a year! You should have been having a blast this whole time.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

I Can't Stop Thinking About Her

2005-02-02T14:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Rebecca,

There is a woman I dated for almost 3 years from early '97-summer '99, and she is without question the love of my life. We went separate ways that summer of '99 (after graduating college) when she moved to Spain for a year to brush up on her Spanish in order to return the next year to teach high school spanish. I essentially waited for her return (I was trying to find work in NY at the time and didn't feel comfortable moving all the way to Europe for that long), and a year later, she arrived with less luggage that she left with...telling me that she was only visiting the states for the summer, and was moving back to spain indefinitely to be with her "new" boyfriend. Needless to say, I was absolutely CRUSHED, and haven't been able to shake her from my mind in all this time. I dated one girl briefly since and found myself comparing her to my ex all the time. Eventually, that relationship didn't work out (she cheated on me with my best friend!), and I have been thinking about the original love of my life for years now. I've had very sparse communication with her, and might very well have pushed her away by all my attempts to retry our relationship. Anyway, for a hundred reasons this girl is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with for certain and unfortunately she might already be married by now. My main question is this: is 5 years too long to get an ex back? And what can I do from here?

Sincerely,

Lingering Memories

Dear Lingering,

Well after five years a lot can happen, especially at that age. She left and began the life that she wanted to lead. She had a completely independent life. I don't think it is the fact that you pushed her away by wanting to be in a relationship with her. She just wanted to get out and do her own thing. But because you were not there to experience her life with her, you gradually dissipated from her life. It is not your fault. She just had a wandering and independant spirit. You can't blame anyone for that. She has now made a new life for herself in Europe. You can not ask her to change that for you because she won't. The only chance you would have is if you moved out there, but that would resemble stalking a little too much.

You should get out there and start dating again. She must have been a very special woman. She has been in your mind for a long time. Stop comparing other women to her because no woman will compare. All women are different and beautiful in their own ways.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

He Met Someone Else

2005-01-31T20:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

My partner and I broke up 6 months ago, after 6 years together. A few months afterwards, we started having sex again and spending time with each other. But I didn't where I stood and was too scared to ask just in case I scared him away. He talked about the future with me. A few weeks later, he told me that I had slipped back into my negative angry state and said I was incapable of change. Since then he has met someone else and even though it has only been month, he says it is getting serious with her. The thing is, I love him so much and can't imagine my life with anyone but him. We belong together but how do I make him see this?

Sincerely,

Ex Beloved

Dear Ex,

He says that you keep slipping into a negative state which happens when there is stress in the relationship. It does not mean that you are a bad person or an angry one in general. You are completely normal. A lot of people behave in this manner when they are depressed or anxious withing a stressed relationship. You can make it better but you must be aware of your actions.

Remember this little piece of advice: positive attention vs negative attention. You want to give him positive attention every time you talk to him. Positive attention would be telling him how beautiful he is, how sexy he is, how proud you are of him and things like that. Positive attention makes a person feel good about themselves and he will always want to be around the person that makes him feel that way. Negative attention would be calling him crying at 3am, asking him why he is doing this to you or telling him how miserable you are. Negative attention only makes a person feel badly about themself and he will want to get away from the person making him feel this way. So just remember to give him lots of positive attention when you do see him and if you talk to him. Never give him any negative attention at any time, even though it is difficult not to.

Now that you know this, you will be armed each and every time you do talk to him. This other girl he is with is almost like a rebound. If you start giving him this positive attention, he will soon leave her and run right back into your arms.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

I Want His Attention

2005-01-28T16:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I would like to create some competition for my ex because I want him back. He is so sure of himself. He knows I care. I have made myself available for him. He did or does see someone else, I am not sure. If it is a good idea to create competition, how do I go about it? He never leaves the house except for work. I know that is where he met his new friend. How could I flirt with someone else when there is no one to flirt with and he doesn't leave the house? How do I go about this?

Sincerely,

Ignored

Dear Ignored,

First you must stop making yourself available for him. Stop trying to flaunt yourself. Because when you suddenly stop making yourself availble to him, that is when he will realize that you are missing and he will start looking for you. He will also think that perhaps you have had your attention taken away from him by someone else and he will try and find out who. Start dating again but you don't have to shove it in his face. He will find out and he will know about it. Guys talk just as much as girls. The point is, stop trying to get his attention because the one that that WILL get his attention is when you stop.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Creative Writer / Columnist

2005-01-25T22:46:00.000-08:00

The Diva is Looking for More Work!

So recently, I left my position as the Director of Operations for a large commercial real estate firm in Houston, Texas and I moved to Boston, Massachusetts. There were two big factors which compelled me to move to Boston.

First, I grew up here in one of the small towns just north of Beantown. I have always wanted to move back, even though it is a little conservative, socially speaking.

Second, I finally met my future husband and I am ready to settle down. Yes, it is true. Your eyes are perfectly fine and you read right. He is wonderful and I have known him since high school. The Diva is finally settling down.

So back to my situation. I move home and because I have no more local references, I am unable to locate a good job. I have always had AdviceDiva on the side for additional income. But, of course, it is not enough to support me alone. Most of my Advice Diva work I do for free! I have always had a full time job AND this website.

Apparently, the commercial real estate market is not doing too well here in Boston. So I find myself wondering if I could start working online at home as a creative writer. Hmmm......would anyone hire me? Instead of trying to look at job search engines, I have this great resource right here. Why not post online on my own fabulous website!? I might not have a degree in creative writing. But I never had one in real estate either and I worked in it for 5 years. I actually have my degree in molecular biology. Go figure.

If there is anyone out there who is looking for a creative writer for sales, or a newspaper or magazine, or anything at all, please don't hesitate to send me an email. And if any of you Diva fans out there know of any good leads for me, I would be much obliged. Samples of my monthly articles can be seen at http://advicediva.blogspot.com These articles appear in websites and magazines each month.

Thanks for the support!

Silently in Love

2005-01-25T14:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been like in love with this guy for about 3 months, we are like best friends and he knows I like him. I never did anything because I figured he knew I liked him. If he wanted something more all he would have to do is say something. It turns out my best friend likes him too and she asked him out. He said yes but reluctantly. I don't know what to do. I'm not mad at her because I don't see the point but I am hurting badly.

Sincerely,

Silently In Love

Longview, Texas

Dear Silently in Love,

Did your best friend know that you were in in love with this guy? If so, she is not your friend. But if she did not know, you are right not to be angry with her. She made the first move and got the goods.

You should always cherish your friendships. Your best friends could be the relationships that last lifetimes. So for now I would not do anything to get in their way. Just let the relationship take its course and see what happens. But in case they break up and you want to date him, you should let her know now that you had feelings for this guy and you were a little upset that she asked him out. Tell her this in a calm and rational way and also let her know that you are not angry with her. That way she can not be upset if you guys start dating if they don't work out.

Next time you should make your move if you like a guy. He might be just as shy as you so you can not just sit there and play the part of the wallflower waiting for him to make his move. And you should never just assume that he knows you like him. Make moves and flirt. Invite him out for casual lunches and maybe even happy hour. If he does not reciprocate after that, then he just might not be that into you and you should drop it. Move on to the next guy.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Long Distance Relationship

2005-01-24T15:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

Me and my ex were on a long distance relationship for a year. We had fun whenever I came to visit her. A couple of weeks before I left for college I became upset with her for not being able to tell me what she likes about me. She said that she wanted to take a break and I was ok with it. That was 5 months ago, we are now at different colleges and she has a new boyfriend and I have a new girlfriend. We still talk but not much. But the thing is, I miss her so much and I heard recently in a conversation that she misses me also. I want to get back with her but I dont think either of us wants another long distance relationship again. I am about to graduate and head back home where she is. I want to tell her how I want to get back with her but I dont want to scare her off, especially with a boyfriend. What should I do to get her the word I would like to get back with her?

Sincerely,

Moving Home

Dear Moving Home,

The good news is that you two are going to be reunited. It is very difficult to have a long distance relationship and it is near impossible unless there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That light has to be a time when the two of you will be together again. You have that light and you will be home soon. Right now there is nothing you can do. You know she misses you and she knows that you miss her most likely. That is all you will need.

Hold off from contacting her until you get home. Once you get home and get situated, give her a ring. Just let her know that you moved home and you would love to get together for some coffee or lunch and catch up. Sound very happy and glad to talk to her. She will not be able to resist, especially if you make it sound like a casual get together. Do not ask her out on a date or anything like that, just make it a platonic arrangement. Once you get together, sincerely act happy for her and what has been gong on in her life. Act interested and smile a lot. Make her feel comfortable. Do not talk about your girlfriend and if she asks, just let her know that you had to end the relationship because you moved back home. You don't need to say any more than that. Also, do not talk about your deep feelings for her. You do not need to. She knows you care for her and talking about them might scare her.

After the get together, make plans to go out again. As long as you take it slow, its in the bag. All you have to do is wait until you get back home.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

She Is Afraid of Commitment

2005-01-20T16:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

Ihave been dating the same woman since 5/02 and we became engaged in 6/04. I believed everything was fine. We live 55 miles apart so we only see each other on weekends. When we do see each other we are active and do many activities together that we both enjoy. I really felt connected with this woman and I knew this is the one I want to spend my life with. Last night while talking to her I noticed her being distant so asked what was wrong. She told me that she loves me very much and I am her best friend, however "I'm not sure you're the one for me". She states there is a lack of passion on her part, no fire or passion. She says that I am nearly perfect but she is not sure what she wants. She also says she has a poblem with commitment. I asked her if this has happened in other relationships and she said "What do you think? I'm 36 years old and never been married." What do I do?

Sincerely,

Walking Cliche

Dear Walking,

Oh Dear. You got the "I have a problem with committment" line. Usually this means there is someone else in the picture. I hate to break it to you. But if there was no other man around, she would not be hestating like this after such a long relationship together. I am afraid that she may be having a fling. She might not though, it is just speculation at this point. Another validation point to my theory is that all of a sudden she was distant with you. As if she just met a new guy and suddenly she was thinking about him instead of you.

At this point I would let her have her space if that is what she needs. Don't give another thought to the fact that she is 36 and has never been married before. this is just an excuse for her to leave the relationship, that is all. You guys have been together for a long time and she was very committed before. The only thing that is stopping her is her lack of attention right now because someone else is probably around her. She is being selfish. Let her have her time while you walk away. Pull back that attention you give her and stop calling her, etc. I would even go so far as to break it off with her completely. After a week or two, she will realize that she does not want that at all and she will apologize and most likely get rid of the other guy. If there is no other guy, the same result can still be expected, she will realize she does not want to lose you.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Horny and Hurt

2005-01-18T15:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE RECENTLY SEPARATED AND I STILL LOVE HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING. I LEFT HIM FOR ANOTHER MAN AND DON'T KNOW WHY. SINCE THEN HE HAS FOUND A NEW GIRLFRIEND. THIS MAN IS SOMEONE THAT I FIRST FELL IN LOVE WITH IN HIGH SCHOOL. ANOTHER PROBLEM IS WHEN WE HAVE SEX I AM NOT SATISFIED WITH MY HUSBAND AND THE NEW GUY CAN GET ME TO HAVE AN ORGASM EVERY TIME. I DON'T KNOW IF IT BECAUSE MY HUSBAND'S PENIS IS WIDER AROUND OR WHAT IT IS. THE GUY THAT I AM WITH IS SKINNIER. I REALLY WANT TO BE BACK WITH MY HUSBAND BUT HE WILL NOT GET THIS WOMAN OUT OF HIS LIFE RIGHT NOW. CAN YOU PLEASE HELP.

Sincerely,

Horny and Hurt

Dear Horny and Hurt,

Forget about penis size, that has nothing to do with it regarding the quality of your sexual life (unless he is the size of a thumbtack in which case you can't stop laughing because it is so funny looking which prevents you from getting aroused). First of all, your sex life is bound to get less exciting as the time wears on. This is completely normal. You can not expect to make love like soap opera stars 20 years after marriage. When you have a sexual relationship with a new guy for the first time in years, of course the sex is better. You are bound to feel that way. This is normal. There could also be the fact that this man just turns you on more in general because of natural hormones. People call it chemistry. You may love your ex more but have better chemistry with the new guy. But trust me, it has nothing to do with the penis.

Your husband's ego has been hurt and you moved on with another guy so he had no choice but to move on with another woman. You need to give him the time that he gave you and let him make up his own mind. I know it sucks and it is hard because you realized you made a mistake. All you can do now is let him know that you made a mistake and when he is ready, you would like to start again. But you can not push him. This may take a long time but do not worry. She is a rebound and rebounds never last.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Understanding Women

2005-01-12T15:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

The attached article I came upon in my quest to understand women a little better. I know , some tell me it's a lost cause, but it helps to get a better understanding. I would appeciate your womanly feedback on this article.

Sincerely,

Still Trying to Get It

Dear Still Trying to Get It,

I have made my comments to the article below in red.

Women are mysterious. Men will more than likely never completely figure them out, and that is okay. What about men? They can be just as confusing! Some things are better left alone -- the unknown is sexier. I couldn't agree more. Here are some common misconceptions and realities to help shed some light on their vague quirks and patterns. Quirks and patterns? That makes us sound like stereo equipment and the below is our trouble shooting guide.

Women like bad boys. Are you a "nice" guy? How many times have you been passed over for someone who treats women like garbage? Never fear. When women are ready to settle down, chances are they'll pick a nice guy who can provide stability and a pleasant environment. The bad boys have a shelf life. Don't you feel better already? This is very very true. But this can happen at any time as well. Some girls just take longer to mature and want to settle down. When they do, the bad guys finish last and the nice ones win. The girl just has to be ready and want to settle down. However, a happily married woman in a ten year relationship can suddenly have a midlife crisis and start looking for excitement, especially if she married too young.

Women are easily won over with gifts. It is true that women like and relish most gifts that men give them. Typically, women love roses, chocolates, and the large popcorn at the movies. But come on, guys. She may give you every indication that you have won her over by your charm, wit, and gifts. Rest assured, no amount of presents will offset bad manners, a wandering eye, or mismatches in chemistry. Also, not all women are materialistic. It is true that not all women are materialistic and what they really want, when ready, is love, committment, a solid foundation and a family. BUT, I would have to disagree slightly. If a man was wealthy enough, large expensive gifts can get make the girl feel special, especially if she is not used to it. If the guy is in trouble for a "wandering eye" and he shows up the next day with a necklace from Tiffany's, he'll be forgiven. Trust me. This will not work for the woman that grew up with a silver spoon in her mouth. And as for cheating, not many extraordinary gifts will ease her heart. Anyways, this is all irrelevent. You should never make amends by trying to buy her forgiveness.

Women appreciate your persistence. It's true that women like a man who knows what he wants and has the confidence to go after it. Often this carries over into the Asking Her Out category. Know when to stop asking her out. If you ask her out three times and she says no, move on. If you are convinced she's your dream date, she's not or else she would not have turned you down so many times. Women like confidence and persistence. But it really depends on the guy. If she likes him at all, persistence will pay off. Woimen want to feel desired, loved and needed. But if she says "no" to dates repeatedly, you should be able to take a hint.

Breaking up is hard to do. When the time comes to break off the relationship, be honest. Men often choose to lie their way out of a relationship (yes, out of guilt) or worst of all, they choose an escape route of avoidance. Women need closure. Be as honest as possible while taking her feelings into consideration. Withholding information is better than outright lying. Chances are that if you live in the same town, she'll catch on to your lies. This can cause nasty confrontations. Very true. If the girl is digging you and you break up with her, you better tell her the truth no matter how hard it is. If you do not really like her that much but you say something lame like, "I am just not ready for a relationship" you will be in for even more trouble. If you tell her the honest truth that you just do not like her, she has no choice but to give up from there. But if you told her that you were not ready for a relationship, she is likely to beat herself up pretty bad over it. She will think she is not good enough and try to change herself and she may even continue to call you and hound you begging for another chance. Yup, the truth is better even if is not prettier.

Never choose a public place to break up with a woman. This is just a bad idea. They need time to gather themselves and they need privacy in case their emotions are unleashed. If you are worried about her becoming irrational -- and it's possible that she may become totally unreasonable -- at least you can feel comfortable knowing that you're in a private area and you have come clean by telling her the truth. The hurt woman is very likely to go psycho on you. We have that instinct within all of us. Faced with rejection and anguish, you would rather not be in a public place if that girl has a very strong reaction to rejection. You do not want her drink in your face.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

He Got Back Together With His Ex

2005-01-10T13:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been seeing this one man on and off for about two years now. What really boggles my mind is that we broke up because of his ex-girlfriend, who is now his live-in girlfriend. He continues to contact me and flirt with me, and for about a month and half, we have been physically intimate with each other. I know I let him to do this to me, but if he wasn't interested, he wouldn't do this. If we go days without talking to each other, he will contact me through e-mails when she is not around, and also visit me on my breaks at work since we work together. We were in a serious relationship before she came between us. I am 39 and he is 40, and she is 32 with two little children. It's just mind boggling that once I put distance between us, it seems like he can't stand it that we don't talk. He is constantly flirting with me and I have to say, yes, I do still love the guy. I never even loved my ex-husband the way I do this man. Any advice? Everyone says to walk away, but deep down it is so damn hard. Thanks for your advice.

Sincerely,

The Ex Girlfriend

Dear Ex Girlfriend,

Of course you should walk away. Think about it. If he is constantly trying to get your attention now that you have distanced yourself and he is in a relationship with another woman, he was probably doing the same thing behind your back with this ex-girlfriend while you were in the relationship. He wants both girlfriends at the same time. How can you not see this? He was also probably having sex with his ex while you two were together. Furthermore, you think that the ex broke you two up when it was probably all his initiative, he just blamed it on her to make himself look better. Now I bet he is telling this girl that you are the one trying to break them up. What a waste of oxygen.

Just keep on walking hunny. Stop talking to him and obviously stop having sex with him. You should never ever be the other woman. Completely ignore him and never answer another call. I don't care how hard it is. You need to show yourself some respect.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

The Ex is a Bitch

2005-01-06T13:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I'm dealing with my man's ex. He has a 7 year old son by her. His son lives with her. They broke up 2 years ago - actually, she put him out - threw out his clothes, cut off contact and wouldn't deal or talk nicely with him up until we got together and she found out about it earlier this year. The drama began this summer when she found out we were seeing each other and suddenly she didn't know if she wanted to be back with him or not. It has only gotten worse. He said he has told her the deal but I feel like she's using their son to stay close to him. Now she's nice, wants to hold conversation with him, etc. I know that he is grateful he has free reign to see his son and is taking advantage of the situation. However, here's the latest "issue". His ex and his son live across town. He tries to be there to get his son as often as possible. Occasionally she says she feels she needs to talk, so guess who she calls on. It irritates me. He feels like he should keep the relationship cordial and complies. The other day he picked up his son and then stayed with him at her house until she got home from work, which was close to 11pm. I had dropped him off so she was supposed to bring him back home. Then his son wanted him to stay over night. Since she didn't want to drive that late and his son was about to throw a fit he decided to stay. The next day he was to meet me but instead stayed to be with his son (on christmas break). Then I found out from him that he took his son to day care for 1/2 the day and she took off work so she could "get some things done". Then, because he had to take his son for therapy and treatments the next morning he decided to stay over again. Am I crazy or is this ridiculous? I know that up to this point nothing has gone on in a sexual way between them (believe me - she would make sure I was the first to know). But I don't think this is appropriate because even if he's not thinking about her she is still trying to get back with him. I am at a loss as to what to do. I'm trying to be understanding and supportive but I also don't feel that this is right... Please help!!!

Sincerely
Tired of the Drama

Dear Tired of the Drama,

It is very important that he stays in his son's life and therefore he must keep in contact with his ex. But I am sure you know that. It is very important for them to have a cordial relationship for the sake of their son. You should never bash his child's mother, especially around the child. You need to be able to let them have their chats, talks and conversations. You also need to let them have their time together. They need it.

I do think it is strange, however, that he slept over her house twice in a row. That would not be kosher with me. Even though he has a son, he still has a relationship with you and sleeping over the ex's house is just plain disrespectful. I don't buy that she was too tired to drive home. I just don't buy it at all. If she is trying to get him back and playing it cool now, you must know that she probably pushed him to stay over, and then did it again. I am sure he knows how you feel about her. That is what makes it particularly odd that he would do that twice knowing it would hurt your feelings. I would not dismiss a sexual relationship as easily as you have. Something is going on.

I would not have any of that. If he slept over just once I would be out the door. This is a respect issue. You need to respect yourself. You can not have your man sleeping over at the house of his ex for ANY excuse. There is no excuse, that is just plain rude. Do not act like the jealous woman (never do that), but I would make your stand now and let him know that you can not and will not have that again. If he says okay and apologizes, everything should be cool. If he argues against it, something is going on and you need to leave him.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Should I Go Back To Him?

2005-01-03T22:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

Im not very experienced in dating, but I had my very first true boyfriend about a year ago. In fact, a year ago today we started dating. Well, we broke up in March, so the relationship didn't last very long, but I still have feelings for him. His feelings for me have been off and on, like he does not know what he wants. Recently, he has told me that he still has strong feelings for me and he misses me, but he wants us to start talking more before we start anything up again. Now I know that I should not even acknowledge the fact that he called because most likely this will end up the way the other times did. I will be hearbroken. I always think, maybe this time, it's different. I know I love him with everything I have, and I truly do think he feels the same way back. Everyone else tells me no, he is lying, and whatever else. I don't understand why people judge him because they do not know him like i do. Should I listen to them, or follow my heart? My heart says wait it out and see what happens. Earlier tonight, another guy confessed his feelings for me. Now I like this guy, and I understand feelings can grow, but I am in love with my ex, and I am honestly lost and confused. I am scared to get involved with someone else for fear that I will suffer as well as the person I get involved with. Please help me.

Sincerely,

Inexperienced

Dear Inexperienced,

First of all, you can listen to what other people have to say about your love life, but you should take it with a grain of salt. You know what is right and what is wrong. You know how to weigh out the good and the bad with this previous relationship. You know the difference between right and wrong. You are fully capable of making your own decisions. You should do what you think is right regardless of what other people teel you as long as you are taking everything into consideration. Friends can offer up some good advice, however. You should listen to what they say and their line of reasoning because they are looking at the situation as an outsider. They can see things you can not because you may be blinded by love. Even so, it still remains your decision to be made and you alone can make that choice.

In your situation, I would take a chance on this other person. After a few dates, you may decide he is not the one for you. You could also fall madly in love, head over heels and become swept away by a the greatest love you ever had. You never know until you try. Talk to you ex and feel him out. Let him know that you would like to still see him and you miss him too, but you are also seeing other people. As long as you tell him up front and right away, there will be no surprises for him later causing him to become angry and break up with you. Just let him know that you do not want to get too attached right now because you are afraid of getting hurt again. you just want to take things slowly and see what happens. He should have no problem with this as long as you tell him in a sweet manner.

By being honest and up front, you will get to have your cake and eat it too. You can enjoy the company of both men for a little while and see how you like it. This new man may intrigue you. You can also see other people casually. You should get out there and see who is available. You owe it to yourself. As hard as it may be, I would refrain from having sex with any of the men while dating. This will just help prevent any hassle in case you sleep with one, find out you love the other, and the this other finds out that you slept with the first man. Sex while dating a number of men will just confuse the situation so just keep it simple.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Partying or Boyfriend?

2005-01-02T19:04:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I feel like I have a big problem. I had been dating a guy for 2 ½ years. I know he is the one I am supposed to be with forever. It just seemed so hard
when I started college to have a boyfriend. So I broke up with him. Now it has been 6 weeks and although there have been some fun points along the way, it has mostly been miserable. I miss him terribly. I know I should be aloud to go out and have fun with my friends but I do not think it is worth being with out him. I would feel so much better if I knew eventually we would get back together. I just feel very confused about the whole mess. I am afraid of loosing him just because I want to go out and party with my friends. I know in the end that this will not be with my through life and that he should be. What do I do?

Sincerely,

College Partier

Dear College Partier,

It sounds like you are not ready for a committed relationship. But don't worry, no one should be at that age. I was partying through college up until I turned 30. Only then was I ready to finallys ettle down and give someone my all. See, if you really love someone and are ready to have that relationship, you will be able to give them everything right then and there. You can not say, wait until I finish partying and then we will have a relationship. That is not fair to him just as it is not fair to you. If you have been that miserable without him, you should think about it. But, you are probably only just missing him. Thta is normally and it will fade with time. For now you should be young and single, have fun and experience the world. You will have seom great times. You would have more regret if you did not get to have this fun time.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Is my boyfriend superficial?

2005-01-01T10:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little more than two years. Things were great the first year, but afterwards I just started to be a bitch to him. I don't know why, maybe it is because in the begining he showed interest not in me but other girls, and I figured that was my mistake because I didn't say anything to him or even show a sign that it bothered me. A couple nights ago we had a talk, and somehow in our conversation we steered towards my best friend. She is one of those pretty blondes, blue eyes, cute girl, and since my boyfriend lives next door to my apartment I asked him "If I was ugly,but smart whould you get with me?". Of course he said "NO,no guy wants an ugly girl", so I said "So if my best friend lived next door,but not me would you get with her even if she was as dumb as a lamp post?" Guess what he said? Of course! That hit me pretty hard. I really need help here what should I do? I love the guy to death,but I'm willing to leave him if he doesn't change!!!

Sincerely,
Sensitive Girl

Dear Sensitive Girl,

This man has one of two probelems (or both).

1) He does not love / respect you.

2) He does not have the same emotional values as you.

First, I say he does not love or respect you because even if he would be lying, he would never say that he would get with the hot chick over you EVER EVER EVER. If the guy absolutely adored you, he would protect your feelings and say the right thing, "Of course I would be with you my love". Thnk about it. Second, he obviously does not have the same values. He bluntly stated that no guy wants to be with an ugly girl and he would definately hook up with the dumb hot chick. What a moron. The man is a walking dick stick!

Don't leave him soon. Leave him now.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Be Safe!

2004-12-31T13:27:00.000-08:00

From Diva Rebecca to Everyone:
Have a great New Years Eve everyone! Make sure you get around safely. There will be plenty of freaks on the road this evening.

The Cuckold

2004-12-25T23:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been married for 24 years and cucked for ten. She started dating a few years after I had a motorcycle accident that left me paraplegic and unable to get an erection. I've since found sites that describe what I am..... a CUCK. My wife understands that I enjoy her having sex with other men and getting to clean her orally when she returns home. The problem is that she does not want me to watch her having sex. I do get to listen to her when she is home. I usually stay in bed after she gets home with her date and they play in the living room. Hearing her moans turn me on greatly. And waiting for her to come to bed to feed me is truly a great turn-on to me. Do you think that there is a chance that I could watch her with these men? If so how? I've asked her but she tells me that she is too shy.

Sincerely,

The Cuckold,
Huntington, West Virginia

Dear Cuckold,

Very interesting. I enjoyed your "matter of fact" way of relating your unusual problem. For the readers who do not knows what a “cuck” is, it comes from the word “Cuckold”. By definition, a cuckold used to be what a man was referred to as when he had a cheating wife. Nowadays, a cuck refers to a man who is sexually aroused by having his wife enter the beds of other men.

There are many couples that enjoy this sort of sexual behavior. However, there is one big difference. Most men who enjoy being the cuck, and the women who indulge in this behavior, do so out of choice. But in your situation, you and your wife have come to this arrangement out of necessity. She needs and/or desires sexual satisfaction and you need to feel as if you are satisfying her. You also desire that closeness that sexual intimacy creates and therefore you find being a cuckold fulfills your duty.

It is obvious that your sexual choice is stimulating to you. You enjoy being the cuckold, you find it stimulating and you enjoy keeping your wife happy. I applaud you for being able to find news ways to keep your sex life alive with your wife. Many men in your position would not have been able to deal with this situation because most men, even if they found themselves paralyzed, would never be able to allow their wifes to be intimate with another man. But to you, her satisfaction is arousing.

The thing I would worry about is that her comfort with this situation may not be as high as yours. That is why she has been unable to let you watch. She might never have let you be a cuckhold if your accident did not leave you paralyzed and that is something you should think about. However, she is still going out there and having sexual relations with other men so she is obviously not too uncomfortable with it.

With any kind of sexual issue the worse thing you can do is pressure someone into doing what you want. It is fine to bring up your desires but leave it alone after that especially if she feels a little uncomfortable. No pressure. Pressure causes a person to do the exact opposite in a relationship. It can even cause resentment and a lack of sexual desire. Always be nice about it when you bring up the issue and tell her it would make you very happy if she did this for you. Let her know that she can do it whenever she feels comfortable. Tell her to have a few drinks with the guy and if she feels comfortable, take him home for you. Now, the next time this happens, she probably will not bring him home anytime soon but do NOT make her feel bad about it. Do not ask her why she did not bring him home or tell her that it bothered you that she did not bring him home. This would be nagging and you do not want to nag her about it at all. Do not bring up the issue at all after she comes home. Just ask her again the next time. Simply smile, be very sweet and nicely tell her you would love it if she brought the lover back home each time before she leaves for her rendezvous.

It may take a while but your must let HER build up to it. You must let it be her decision, that is the only way she will comply with your wish. This is why you can not nag her about it or pressure her into it. Eventually, she will try and give you what you want. And once she does it the first time, she will be much more comfortable with the situation and will more easily give in to your desires.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Holiday Blues

2004-12-20T17:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been living in a different state from where I grew up for the past five years. I have some great friends here and I am generally a happy woman. But I just can not help but feel some holiday blues. I am single having just recently broken up with my last boyfriend. He was not the “one” so I am not sad about that, I am just a little lonely. All of my friends will be going home for Christmas, and I do not want to ask anyone to take me home with them. I was not able to fly home this year. So for Christmas, I will be all alone. I feel like such a loser! Sitting at home, by myself, watching TV on Christmas day! I can’t help but feel some self pity and I am getting very emotional.

Sincerely,

Holiday Blues,
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Holiday Blues,

I think many of us have been in your shoes. I know I surely have. I moved to Houston after college with my ex and after we separated, I stayed in Houston instead of moving home. Most of my family was back home in New England and here I was, far away in Texas. Normally, I would go home for the holidays but every once in a while I was forced to stay in Texas. Even when you can surround yourself with tons of good friends, you still feel lonely without family. So I do know how you feel.

Hopefully, your friends will ask you how you are spending the holidays and when they find out that you will be alone, one of them will ask you to join. However, that could make you still feel a little sad because he or she only invited you because you do not have anywhere else to go. Although that is not entirely the case, your friends would love to have you be with them for the holidays, you still will not be able to feel even more self pity.

So I will tell you what you should do which will be an amazing fix for your problem. You need to find out where children are who need help this year and go see them. Do you know how many children are out there, living in foster homes and such, who have never even known what the comfort of family even feels like? Or visit a homeless shelter and volunteer for serving the Christmas dinner. Spend the day at a nursing home where forgotten elderly people are spending the day alone because their families were too busy to bring them home. There are so many places you can go where volunteers for Christmas Day will be sorely needed.

By doing this, instead of feeling lonely for Christmas, you will feel needed. You are needed. It will make you feel so good about yourself that you went out and did something completely unselfish to help other people battle loneliness and disparity on Christmas Day. Your Holiday Blues will be lifted. You will undoubtedly make at least one person smile, and that is the best gift you can give yourself. And how about when people ask you what you are doing for Christmas? The response you will get when you tell people what you will be doing will be pure astonishment. Everyone will see you in a new light.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

The X Factor

2004-12-15T17:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. I love him very much. However, I am confused by a serious of events, or information I stumbled upon. He has spent a generous amount of time trying to locate his ex. This is a girl he dated many years ago, six to be exact. He hasn't had any contact with her in over six years. Friends have run into her here and there, but no sightings in the past 2-3 years. I've been told that he has been digging and asking around about where she is, etc. He has also been asking if anyone has her email. I can't ask him about it because I'm not supposed to know. I'm very confused. Why does he feel the need to contact her? He is very sweet to me and repeatedly tells me that I'm the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. What is the investigation about, more so, what if he finds her; is going to cheat on me? He never has cheated on me to my knowledge, maybe I'm missing something? I don't have any desire to contact any of my exes, I consider them closed doors. However my knowledge of his persistence on finding his ex, really makes me want to contact a recent ex, but I think it's more of a 'getting even' than true desire.

Sincerely,

The X-Factor,
Schererville, Indiana

Dear X-Factor,

Although I love gossip and I am one that loves hearing that dirty laundry (as if this website did not portray this well enough), it is something that can be very harmful to the strongest of relationships. You say that someone has informed you that he has been trying to find out about his ex. I would think closely about this person who told you this tidbit of information. Is it a guy that would love to break you up so that he could be with you? Is it a guy that is jealous of your boyfriend and would do anything to harm his relationships just to see him hurt? Is it a woman who wants to break you up so that she can get with your man?

There are many people who use gossip as a way of undermining relationships because of their ulterior motives. I have come across many people like this. Sometimes, you would never know it. They can be very good actresses and actors. You might normally think they are the sweetest people in the world. Unbeknownst to you they have a dark and devilish side. There was a woman once who acted as if she was my best friend. The entire time she was getting close to me, she was also getting close to my ex. This woman was also married. Before I knew what was going on, she divorced her husband and began digging her little claws into my ex. She was his secretary of all things. Thankfully, her attempts to destroy our relationship only backfired and she was the one left alone without a husband, without a lover and with one less friend.

Most likely he heard his ex-girlfriend's name and became curious. This is very normal especially after a long period of no contact. He may have asked around about her once or twice just out of curiosity. Perhaps even this person that told you is the one that got him started on his curious streak. Although, I have to admit, it would bother me as well if I heard about it. You are completely normal to feel a little threatened by his inquisitive nature especially when he has not told you about it.

You will not be able to bottle up your feelings about this for long. A real relationship demands honesty on both sides. So if you feel upset about something, you need to let him know what is bothering you. I would have a sit down talk with him and very gently tell him that someone has told you that he has been searching for his ex. Let him know that you were told in confidence and because you are an honorable woman, you can not break that trust and divulge his/her name. He should be able to understand. Let him know that this is bothering you because you feel that his desire to find out about his ex is too strong and you feel that it is harmful to your relationship. You also felt hurt because he did not tell you about it. You will be leaving yourself vulnerable when you have this discussion because your feelings will be out there and open on the table. He could just turn around, get angry and smash your feelings to pieces. There is always that chance so be prepared.

The point is, you must get this off your chest and open up to him. That is the only way you will be able to feel better about the situation. If you do not, the worrying will cause you great anxiety causing even more damage to the relationship. Also, do not contact an ex out of spite. Never ever do anything in a relationship out of spite. It will only cause more problems down the road.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Suspecting Snooper

2004-12-10T17:17:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I am in a three year relationship with an older man. I had a feeling and checked my man’s text messages on his cell phone. Sure enough there were some more then friendly messages to his so-called “female friend from college”. He was saying how he thinks about her and so on! Now I am mad and want to flip but I don’t want to look like a snooper! Should I just leave him alone and make up a reason or tell him what I found? He obliviously is not the one! And we have been talking about marriage lately!! Help me, I want to handle this in a Diva way! Thank you.

Sincerely,

The Suspecting Snooper,
New York, New York

Dear Suspecting Snooper,

What I have learned in these types of scenarios is to NEVER jump to conclusions.

Before I get into that, I should also inform you that snooping never helps a relationship. Actually, snooping is very bad. Usually, you will always find something you do not like. And it could be completely innocent. But because you are riled up and intent on finding bad news, it become easy to let better judgment get skewed and you see things in an irrational way. The reason why we snoop is usually because of two reasons:

1) You subconsciously or quite consciously know you are in a bad relationship and are looking for an easy way out. If you find evidence that he has been cheating or dishonest, you have a created a reason which can be blamed on him for the easy way out. This keeps us in the good light. This is actually the coward's way out. We should all be able to break up with our significant other based on our own feelings instead of looking for something to blame on him.

2) You are looking for positive reaffirmation that you are the one he wants to be with. If you find something that may challenge the relationship in any way, you have created a situation that calls for him to apologize and make it up to you. This is sort of a passive aggressive technique for attention.

In the end snooping will always cause more problems. Eventually you will find something you do not like and then you will have to bring it up to him. It is too hard to hold inside. He will ask how you found out and it will be understood that you were snooping. Snooping is the same thing as spying and it is just as egregious as lying. He will begin to trust you less and less and then there goes the relationship. With any relationship, there needs to be trust.

However, if you do snoop and find out for sure that he has been a dirty cheating son-of-a-bitch, dump his ass on the corner where it belongs and never look back.

With regards to the text messages you found, you did not say that it was anything more that the fact that he was thinking about her. But I might have misunderstood, it could have been worse than that. Okay, there are thousands of innocent reasons why he could have been thinking about her. This is why you can not jump to conclusions. When you find something like this, and it is completely innocent, your mind starts to build on the scenario. You imagine all sorts of horrible things and it get worse and worse. Pretty soon, in your head, they are having an affair when the fact is, it could have been something as simple as the fact that he was thinking about her because it was her birthday and she is a good friend of his. Conversely, there could be something going on as well and now that you already have this information in your head, you are going to have to say something before you explode.

Just do not immediately accuse. When you do approach him about the problem, be very sweet and all smiles, yet remain composed and be firm and decisive. If he acts evasive or tries to blame you immediately, he is hiding something and is probably being dishonest. If he stutters and tries to think of a plausible excuse or reason, again he is hiding something. If he comes up with a logical explanation very quickly, he is probably telling the truth. If he is cheating, break up with him cleanly and swiftly. You deserve better in your life. If you think he is being honest, apologize for snooping and then make it up to him.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Silk Panties

2004-12-05T17:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

My husband and I have been married for a little over five months now and it is so awesome. Both of us have had previous marriages that were a disaster at best. We have been together a little over a year now and I have a question I need to ask someone about. He often likes to wear my panties. He is not gay and he is not weird in anyway but I feel strange about it. It is kind of cool in a way. He says he likes the way they feel and it makes him feel closer to me. I just wanted your thoughts, outlooks or whatever on this.

Sincerely,

Silk Panties,
Fort Gibson, Oklahoma

Dear Silk Panties,

Actually, a guy that gets turned on by wearing women's panties is normally the furthest thing from "gay". Believe it or not. This is a quite common fantasy that very masculine men indulge in. The only problem that can result from this kind of fetish comes from the lack of understanding why this fetish turns them on. The female partner starts to assume that he is gay or that something could be very wrong with him. The man, himself, thinks he could be a freak or have some latent homo-sexual tendencies. The fact that he can tell you he likes to wear your panties is a good thing. He trusts you with his fantasy and he is secure with himself.

The logic behind this fantasy is due to the guilt he feels being masculine. To fully understand where fantasies are derived you must understand that it is impossible to get sexually aroused while feeling any kind of guilt or anxiety. So, people make up different scenarios and have different fantasies that alleviate this guilt. With the man who wear panties, he usually feel very guilty about his masculinity, probably towards his mother. He may have even grown up with a very weak father. He feels that his masculinity overpowers women and in a very bad way. By wearing panties, he can "identify with the victim" and he feels better about himself. Then he can remain masculine and get aroused in a masculine way (an erection).

This may be hard for you to fully understand so what you should do is think about your own fantasies. What is it that turns you on? Next, think about what kind of guilt or anxiety this might be alleviating. I would also suggest buying the book "Arousal" by Dr. Michael Bader.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Confessed Cheater

2004-12-01T17:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I'm a 28 year old that just lost his girl. I been with her for two years and she is the best thing that has happened in my life. She doesn’t drink at all or smoke... and my friends all tell me that she is the one. Anyway, we broke up in March because she found some pornographic video tapes of me and my ex. She also knows I was with her at the time because of the clothes I wore in the video. Anyway, she took me back a month ago, and two weeks later she caught my ex hiding in my house when she came by. I know I'm stupid, but my ex just wanted to come over to say good bye due to her moving to another state. The thing is, my ex changed into a dress making it look like we had done something. What should I do? I really want my girl back. She doesn’t believe my story. I don’t blame her though, but that is what really happened.

Sincerely,

Confessed Cheater,
Cooperstown, North Dakota

Dear Confessed Cheater,

I would not have believed you either. In fact, I don't believe you now.

Thank you for your honesty. It helps with assessing the problem. I don't want to completely bash you, but what were you thinking? You have already cheated on her once with your ex, and then you made a video of your transgression. Did you want to get caught? You even left the video around in your own home for your girlfriend to find. I can not honestly believe that you truly love your girlfriend if you sleep with your exes and are so bold to make video of it. The fact that you want to immortalize your affairs on tape means that you enjoy having affairs and you think that nothing is wrong with them. When most people cheat on their beloved, they recognize their heinous mistake and they usually make all efforts to cover it up. They will discard telltale clothing, erase phone numbers and emails from their phones and computers and want nothing to do with that other person. You, on the other hand, are keeping mementos. This tells me that you find your affair to be completely normal and you are okay with them. You know that cheating is wrong, but you do not really care.

And then she caught you again with the same ex in your house changing clothes and, most suspiciously, hiding. Tell me, if there was nothing going on, why did you stash your ex away in attempts to hide her from your girlfriend? If there was nothing going on, and everything was innocent, you would not have tried to hide her. And why would he be changing at your house? True, there may have actually been nothing going on, but that fact that you are a cheater tells me that there was.

Most people that cheat usually do so all of the time. Your girlfriend probably assumes that you have cheated before on numerous occasions. I would suspect so as well. You may have had affairs before and maybe not. Either way, it may be because you are not satisfied enough with your current girlfriend. Something could be emotionally or physically lacking in your relationship leading to your infidelity. That being the case, maybe you should move onto another woman or start dating again altogether. There should be a woman out there for you who will whoop your butt into shape. Someone out there will be able to harness all of your attention and you would never even dream of cheating.

Right now, your girlfriend is suffering from a hurt ego. She has been slapped in the face by your lack of dedication. The only thing you can do at this moment is beg and plead. There are a number of things that couldn't hurt and will help the situation, but they will be hard to do. It really depends on how much you love her and how willing you are to get her back. She feels slighted by this other woman. The one thing that she would love right now is for you to show her the utmost love and devotion IN FRONT of your ex-girlfriend. There are a number of ways you could do this. For example, you could have a three way telephone conversation where you tell your ex to leave you alone because you are in love with your girlfriend. I know, how embarrassing. But your girlfriend needs to hear it. She needs to hear you proclaim your love for her by shouting it from the mountaintops. She needs to know how upset you are, how sorry you are and, of course, how miserable you are. Send her flowers, cards and candy. Let her know that you are the only thing that matters to you. Throw your pride out the window and grovel. It is going to take a while, but she is going to have to build up her trust again so give it time.

And the next time you think about cheating, stop right there. She will always find out, sooner or later.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca