Verbal Abuse

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I just turned 40 and have been married to my current(2nd) wife for 4 yrs. I was previously married and have two children from my 1st marriage. My current wife & I have no kids together. We are currently separated due to her verbal abuse and total lack of intimacy. I have been through serious counseling and am doing good through all the depression. She has narsistic personality (really) and refuses to take ownership for her neglect and abuse. I am a very giving husband and she has taken advantage of that. she says she wants to work it out and she says I need to go to her counselor so she can feel she has control. do you think there is any hope? I have become very assertive with her & don't allow her to treat me like crap anymore. We have been separated for 6 months and she still is not showing me it's in her heart.

Sincerely,

Abused

Dear Abused,

I wonder how old your wife is. If she is the same age, it may be a little too late for her to change and hold a happy relationship. She might be too set in her ways. If she is significantly younger, she will learn. People mature in relationships and learning how to have a successful relationship is a never ending learning experience.

It sounds to me like you are fed up. You are sick and tired of her treatment and you are finally learning to stand up for yourself. Very good. I think you are already making significant strides to help yourself.

Listen, if she is still treating you in this manner, the only thing you are going to be able to do to wake her up is to file for that divorce and move on with her life. She wants your attention, she wants you to worship her, take blamefor everything and she wants that control. You are going to have to break her little circle of delusion. Let her know that you want to move on because you can no longer be treated like this. Do so in a matter of fact way with NO waivering. Do not act wishy washy or even hint that you don't want it to be this way. She will see it and be able to twist you into getting what she wants. I have dealt with the narcistic personality type. I know them well.

This will be like a slap in the face to her. It will be a real eye opener. If you act like you don't want anything to do with her anymore, she will be forced to re-evaluate her strategies and then she will most likely beg for your forgiveness after a while.

In the long run, I don't think you will be very happy in this relationship. Because even if you get back together and she manages to "change", her old habits wil resurface after a while and you will be back at square one. I know your heart is with her, but you deserve to be treated better.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca